How to avoid the cruise money pits

This is one of the Big Three moneymakers. You only get water and maybe juice and tea for free. Alcohol (and, on many ships, sodas) cost extra...and come at a premium.

So before you tie on another mai tai on the lido deck, consider waiting until you get to port and can seek out a dive bar with low prices.

» Solution: Smuggle your own (unwise; it violates the contract of carriage, plus they have x-ray machines now); Buy wine packages for dinner (cheaper than selecting a new bottle every night); Do your drinking in port.

Another of the Big Three. Those flashy casinos on the ship make their money the same way those flashy casinos in Vegas do: the game is rigged.

While a few lucky b@$!@rds might strike it rich on a lucky hand, in the end the house always wins.

» Solution: Don’t gamble, and you won't lose that money.

The third in the Big Three. Cruise lines contract with local outfitters to run their shore excursions, pay a discounted group rate to do so, then pad the cost they charge you by outrageous amounts.

» Solution: Book your own excursions. I have a whole separate page devoted to avoiding these high fees.

Yeah, yeah. Spa treatments are always pricey. But they're even pricier on a boat than on land. You do pay a premium for a floating masseuse. Not that you shouldn't indulge, just that you'll be paying for the privilege.

» Solution: Spa packages save you a bit on individual treatments; there are often deep spa discounts on shore days (when the boat is otherwise empty).

The recent rise in à la carte restaurant options on board ships and/or buying entrée into special, fancier restaurants has not only led to an exodus from the classic buffet line for these chicer (and, purportedly, better) eateries, but it has also been a bonanza for the bottom line at cruise lines.

Sure, you may get fancier food and more elegant table settings and service, but to me it smacks of returning the old class system to shipboard life. Now it's not just what class of cabin you have; its where you're allowed to eat.

Just remember: Leonardo DiCaprio looked like he was having a lot more fun down down in steerage (albeit while bagging a babe from First Class).

» Solution: Stick to the free buffet. Save your yen for dining out for the restaurants in the various ports of call, where you'll get more variety, a genuine local experience, and almost certainly lower prices.

Those outrageously overpriced boutiques on board count on two things: your boredom (might as well shop), and your inability to pack wisely.

» Solution: Come prepared with all the sunscreen, floppy hats, film/memory chips, and impulse buys you'll need; if you run out or find you forgot something, wait until you get to a port of call to buy it (though be sure you walk a few blocks in from the street where you dock, where prices can be just as high as on the ship)

That little plastic bag hanging in your stateroom closet for the maid, maybe with a sheet of paper where you can tick off the dirty clothing items inside? Look at the prices. They want to charge you, like, $4 per item—and when I say "per item," I mean "per sock."

» Solution: Pack wisely so you needn't launder much; use the self-service laundromat on the ship; rinse things out in the sink with some campsuds.

Ships nowadays often "conveniently" add a daily gratuity charge to your final bill. That would be great—if they actually then passed the money along to the maids, waiters, kitchen staff, and hundreds of other, often invisible, people who work incredibly long days at low pay to make the ship run.

The sad truth is, most cruise lines do not do this. They take this "gratuity" money and use it to "defray the cost" of these poor people's wages. If there's any left over, they split it up and disperse it as "tips."

That's bogus. They should pay all wages out of their profits like any law-abiding business and leave the tipping to us—we, at least, will be sure the folks who deserve the gratuities get them.

(Note to any cruise PR person who wants to tell me their system is "more fair" because this way the gratuities get split amongst all the workers, not just the maids and waiters the passengers deal with directly: I've heard that lame excuse before.)

» Solution: No-win, really, but at least but do tip your maids and waiters directly at the end of your cruise, and suggest it is for them "and their friends in the kitchen" or whatever to encourage sharing.

As long as I'm being pissy, this one infuriates me no end (as do the airlines who pull this same stunt).

I'm sorry, but the fuel is not a surcharge.

Fuel is an operating cost.

Period.

If you need it to make the ship go, it is not an "extra." I don't care if the rising cost of fuel makes the cruise cost more—fine, we all know how expensive oil is getting—but they have to include it in the base ticket price, not break it out and hide it in the fine print of fees, taxes, and surcharges.

That's sneaky at best, a swindle at worst.

» Solution: It's a huge scam; no way to avoid.